wow, the person with unresolved trauma has issues?? who knew?

going through my videos lately has started to prove a thing to me , i’ve been a shitty person my entire life. there is good that exists within me, yes, i am aware of that however it seems that the bad tends to outweigh the good. 

i’ve tried to think about my entire life and from a young age i see delusional behaviour, straight up narcissism, and abusive behaviour towards others. I was a shitty brother, I was a shitty friend, the amount of hate inside of me was unquantifiable. I have recollections of my childhood, my middle school years, my entire time at SIS, and what i recall the most is the people I wronged. maybe people let me off easily, cause they could see that I was having a rough time, maybe people could see that I was in pain or maybe they just ignored it on account of me being a child unable to handle my own emotions.

at a certain point, there was a dichotomy within me, an overcompensating happy exterior and a depressing hateful interior, and a lot of my childhood was trying to understand why I even felt the way I did. I remember often snapping at people, splitting maybe even,(those indoctrinated in the occult of the dsm-v would know) it wasn’t particularly fun because the people you loved just a day ago felt like the root cause of everything wrong. There were instances of me being hateful towards people in my life and it breaks my heart to even realise how much I loved the chaos of my wanton actions at a young age. I often did so with little to no remorse, no regrets, just for the satisfaction of things. 

I never learnt how to deal with those emotions, until an embarrassingly late age. For the longest time resorting to suppressing these feelings and urges seemed like a sound idea. Obviously, it wasn’t a good idea, this  insatiable desire for wanton recklessness and the rush that came from it, manifested itself in different parts of my life, and i’d argue that i’m still recuperating from its effects. on one hand i’d like to believe and say that i have completely eradicated this urge from my life, on the other hand i know that it’s likely an inescapable ugly truth about myself 

I guess it was bound to happen, I was bound to become this hateful, I never felt like someone’s first choice ever as a child, not my friend’s, not my parents. It does something to you as a person, not only does it brew a certain disdain for yourself, but it also festers a deep resentment for others.